The following is a list of things that I would like to thank this holiday season:

-Thank you, HOODED SWEATSHIRTS, for making my morning wardrobe debacle a much less stressful and muffin-topped affair.

-Thank you, WATER, for adequately cleansing the mouth of my 1 year old when he licks the dog and eats the pine needles from the Griswold-sized Christmas Tree.

-Thank you, WILLPOWER, for preventing me from killing my daughter when she throws a tantrum when I refuse to give her cheesy poofs for breakfast.

-Thank you, APPLE ORCHARD ON DAYCARE FIELD TRIP DAY, for being a very solid, firm form of birth control.

-Thank you, THICK HEADBANDS, for covering up the massive mom zits that have taken up residence on my ever-aging geriatric forehead.

-Thank you, BASS PRO SHOPS AQUARIUM, for being a free “trip to the zoo” for cheap, lazy parents  **ehem, ME**

-Thank you, PATIENCE, for keeping me from slapping the ever-loving S*** out of the crazed old woman that nearly ran me over with her Target shopping cart in a failed attempt to grab the last pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.

-Thank you, CHILD-SIZED BATTERY POWERED TOOTH BRUSH, for saving me from having to delicately hand brush every single baby tooth on my whining preschooler with a miniature Minnie Mouse toothbrush that’s better fit for a garden fairy.

-Thank you, DIAPERS, for not only mostly catching the excrement of my fat baby Leyton, but for being the perfect arms-reach, absorbent soaking cloth for the 800th glass of milk that’s been spilled on the hardwood since breakfast.

-Thank you, COFFEE AND WINE, because……………..well, because F YES, COFFEE AND WINE!

-Thank you, ADULT SIZED ONESIE, for keeping my body warm from head to toe on the nipply, December walks to the community mailbox.

-Thank you, POLAR BEARS, for bring albino awareness to all species.

-Thank you, FLUFFY SOCKS, for always have just the right amount of static cling to nab the graham cracker crumbs when I am too lazy to bend down and mop the floor. Shuffling my feet across the tile is clearly much less time consuming.

-Thank you, QUICKBOOKS ONLINE, for taking the reigns and reconciling the bank accounts for me while my kids climb me like a mother-freaking tree.

-Thank you, MOM, for always bringing me coffee every single time I forget to buy some and dramatically mutter the words: “This is it. This is how I end.”

-Thank you, CHILD SIZED BOWLS, for being my only form of peppermint ice cream portion control.

-Thank you, COSMO, for being my very own Roomba and automatically lapping up all of the dropped food on the floor like a damn Hoover vacuum.

-Thank you, SANTA CLAUS APP, for being the holiday disciplinarian so mommy can have a month long brain break.

-Thank you, FIT BIT, for reminding me that I am not moving near enough, not staying active at all, and eating entirely too many holiday cookies. Without you, I would surely fluff up at rapid rates. You know what? I take that back. F YOU, FITBIT. YOU CONDESCENDING LITTLE WRIST BASTARD.

–AND NOT A SINGLE THANK YOU TO THAT EFFING LITTLE ELF, CLEMENTINE.